Episode Forty
Jake’s [POV]
It was a beautiful day, and I thought about how ironic life could be sometimes. The sad days were most often the most beautiful ones. I drove through the pristine drive, passing the gentle slopes on either side of me, which boasted a variety of different headstones in an array of different shapes and sizes. I could see a funeral procession on the other side of the cemetery, and it made me feel even lonelier.
I parked the car and stepped down. Noah had wanted to come with me, but that was only because he thought I was making an ice cream run and he wanted to be there to pick the flavors. I knew that one day he would ask to see his mother’s grave, and I would need to bring him here, but today I just needed to be here alone. I wanted to talk to Daphne; I wanted to ask her questions that I knew I would never get the answers to.
“Say hi to her for me,” Isabelle had said, just before I left. “And, tell her I love her.”
“I will,” I replied.
Just before I was about to leave, Isabelle grabbed my hand. “Jake…she loved you; you know that, don’t you?”
“I wish I did know that for sure,” I had replied. “But with all these new revelations, I can’t imagine she loved me as much as she claimed…especially towards the end.”
“She was scared and broken, Jake,” Isabelle had defended her daughter. “She didn’t know how to process the feelings she was experiencing. She felt so guilty all the time.”
“You seem to know more about where she was at than I did,” I had pointed out. “And that says something about our relationship.”
“She didn’t tell me any of this, Jake,” Isabelle had said gently. “I could tell… she didn’t need to say anything because all I had to do was look at her to know how she was feeling.”
The whole drive to the cemetery, I had thought about Isabelle’s words. Maybe I was trying to push blame on Daphne because it was easier for me to blame someone else than to take responsibility for all the things I refused to see. I walked up the sloping hills toward the east end of the cemetery where all the large oak trees stood.
As I walked, I looked around
at the gravestones, I was passing by. Most of them were men and women who had lived long, full lives and left behind children and grandchildren. But occasionally, I would come across a gravestone with nothing more than a name and a date. There was a young woman who had passed away at twenty-two and a man who had been only nineteen.
As I came up upon Daphne’s grave, I heard the sound of a hushed voice talking softly. Frowning, I walked closer taking cover behind one of the oaks so that I wouldn’t be seen. I peeked around it and felt a jolt of surprise when I saw Kristen sitting in front of Daphne’s headstone. She was wearing a long dress in soft colors. Her auburn hair was loose and fluttered lightly around her shoulders. She looked like a fallen angel, and I felt a pang as I realized how much I’d missed her.
I thought about heading back to my car and waiting till she had left, but curiosity kept me where I was. I leaned in a little closer, and her words became more audible to me.Please check at N/ôvel(D)rama.Org.
“I’m sorry, Daphne,” Kristen was saying, and I realized that there were tears on her face. “I know you asked me to help, but I just made a bigger mess of things. I came here to see how Jake and Noah were doing, but…something about Jake scared me a little, and I just never told him who I was.
“And then everything got out of my control, and I couldn’t think straight after that. I should have done better, for your sake. I should have tried harder. I’m so sorry for how everything happened… It’s such a waste, of your life and Jake’s.
“He’s such a good man; he’s kind and brave, but he’s broken too, just like you said. And, I suppose I thought I could put him back together again. It was a naive belief, and it was stupid of me to think I could do it, but I got caught up in the moment.”
Kristen sighed deeply, and I heard a light sob escape her. “If I’m being completely honest… I got caught up in him.”
Her voice shook, and I felt my body tense in response. “I fell in love with him, Daphne. I shouldn’t have…but it happened, and I was powerless. I still am. I still love him. I love Noah, too. They’re both such amazing human beings, and I’m so sorry that I made their lives worse. I let them down, and I let you down, too.
“It’s funny, you know… We didn’t know each other at all, and yet, I still feel that connection with you-even now.”
Her voice was heartfelt and devastated, and I felt my anger fade suddenly, as though the sight of her after so long had made me realize that my love for her was stronger than my hurt and anger. I had never really given her a chance to explain, and it looked like there was more to the story than she had let on.
I stepped around the tree and walked slowly up to her. She saw me coming and looked up with a start. “Jake,” she whispered my name.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to keep my tone even.
“I… Today’s Daphne’s death anniversary.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“I wanted… I mean, I needed to speak to her,” Kristen said. She rose slowly to her feet and glanced back at Daphne’s grave. “I’m sorry… I’ll give you some privacy.”
“Wait,” I said, blocking her path.
Kristen looked up at me, and her eyes were bright with tears.
“Did you have any contact with Daphne before she died?” I asked. “After she had married me?”
“No,” Kristen said. “We had no contact after she told me she was enlisting. The only communication was the letter she sent me, the one I told you about. And by the time I received it, she was already gone.”
“I see…”
“Jake,” she said, taking a tentative step forward. “I have something with me that I think you should see.”
She handed me a thin piece of paper, and I recognized Daphne’s handwriting immediately. “This is the letter she sent you?”
“Yes.”
I glanced at the date without touching the paper. “She wrote this four months before she died.”
“Yes.”
I felt my heart jump a little at the thought, but I wasn’t even sure why. I reached out tentatively and took the letter from Kristen’s hands. I could almost imagine Daphne sitting down in her bunk to write it. I wondered what her headspace was at the time… I wondered if, on some intrinsic level, she knew that she was never going to see her son or me again.
“Read it,” Kristen encouraged. “It might help you.”
I looked down and started to read the letter slowly.
Dear Kristen,
I wasn’t quite sure how to start this letter. I think I’ve started it three different times in the last hour. I think it’s because I’m ashamed of how I reacted the last time we met. You called me a coward when I told you I was enlisting. You claimed that I was running from my life and my problems. At the time I was insulted and hurt, and I didn’t see the truth in your words. But now it’s different.
I have a husband now, Kristen. My husband’s name is Jake, and my son’s name is Noah. I fell in love with my husband while we were both on tours of duty and the plan was to wait until our thirties to start a family. But, as usual, plans didn’t work out as I had thought.
I got pregnant with Noah and… I didn’t know how to process that. My body wasn’t mine anymore, and some days, it felt like my life wasn’t mine, either.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I love my husband, and I love my son… But I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Sometimes I don’t think I was even ready to be a wife. And I suppose that was what scared me, and that was what drove me to run away…again. It took another tour of duty to make me realize that you were right all this time. I was… I am a coward. Whenever I get scared, I leave.
I was thinking about Jake and Noah the other night and then that last conversation that we had popped into my head. I realized that I was wrong to push you away. You were as much a victim in all this as I was. You had no control over your parents’ actions, and I was wrong to blame you for it. I suppose I just needed to blame someone, and you were right in front of me.
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter, to be honest… I think it’s my pathetic attempt at an apology. I think it’s also my way of saying I want you to be a part of my life. We are sisters, and I don’t think I appreciated that fact until now.
I’m starting to feel better. I’m starting to think going home is not going to be so bad. But some days… I feel the exact opposite. I’m still lost, Kristen. I’m still confused, and I don’t know when that will change.
I suppose that’s the other reason I’m writing. I think I just want to know that Noah and Jake will have family, whether I’m around or not. I want to know that they’ll be okay.
The last time we met, I said some things to you that I shouldn’t have. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I want you to know that. I’m sorry. I hope your life is everything you want it to be. I hope you’re happy and safe and healthy, and most of all, I hope you have love.
Love, Daphne
I folded the letter slowly and handed it back to Kristen. “Thank you for letting me read that,” I said.
“Of course,” she nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner. I should have.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “She wasn’t sure if she was coming back,” I whispered, glancing at her gravestone.
“She would have come back,” Kristen said confidently.
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
I smiled. “You just do, huh?” I asked. “Is that a sister thing?”
“It might be.”
“Is that why you came to San Diego?” I asked.
“That’s the main reason I came here,” she nodded. “But I also came here for myself. It was time for me to start my adventure, and that choice led me to you.”
“Kristen”
She stepped in and silenced me. I noticed that there were still tears dotting her eyes. “Jake, I never meant to hurt you,” she said. “Please believe that. I care about you and Noah so much, and I’m so sorry I hurt you. You want me to stay away, and I will respect that, but I just need you to know that I never meant to cause you any pain.”
“I know that,” I said softly.
Kristen’s eyes went wide for a moment and then she smiled. “You do?”
“I do,” I replied. “And, I… I don’t want you to stay away.”
Kristen looked at me with pure joy on her face, and I felt my body lean into hers. I reached out and wiped the tears from her face.
“I missed you so much,” she whispered to me.
“I missed you, too,” I said, as I pulled her towards me and encircled her in my arms.
“How’s Noah?” Kristen asked, as though she’d been waiting months to ask that question.
I smiled. “He’ll be thrilled to see you,” I said. “Come on; let’s go home.”