Ex-Husband's Regret

“What are you doing here?” I ask through my sobs.

He comes and kneels before me, his eyes staring at me with an emotion I can’t figure out.

“Emma told me she saw you at the store. She said you looked hysterical and that you bought a bunch of pregnancy tests before leaving” he tells me softly, his fingers wiping away my tears.

Damn it Emma and her big mouth! What the hell did she think she’ll accomplish by telling Rowan that I bought pregnancy tests?

“She shouldn’t have told you. It’s none of her business neither is it yours” I hiss.

He doesn’t react instead he asks. “Have you taken the test?”

I just nod my head as more tears fill my eyes.

“And?”

I don’t answer him. I just couldn’t bring myself to admit what the test informed me.

When I don’t answer he surveys the room. His eyes land on them laying near the sink. He stands up and goes to check them. I should be fucking angry that he was violating my privacy, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Not when I had much more important things to worry about.

He comes back and this time instead of kneeling before me. He instead sits next to me.

“Congratulation. You’re going to be a great mother” he tell me an odd catch in his voice.

I lay my head on his shoulder as I speak. “Am I? You didn’t ever want to have another baby with me even though I wanted one desperately. I thought it’s because you thought I was a bad mother”

I was always so insecure when it came to Rowan. I knew the real reason. He didn’t want another baby because he was holding out hope that Emma will come back. I lied to myself because it was better to think he thought I wasn’t a good mother than to acknowledge that he just didn’t want a

baby with me.

“I’ve never thought you’re a bad mother, Ava. You’re the fucking best. One just has to look at the relationship between you and Noah to know it’s true” he pauses. “Can I tell you something?”

I nod my head.

“I was always jealous of the bond you have with Noah. I still am” he confesses. I lift my head in

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2

“Really”

I still can’t believe that Rowan was right now sitting on the bathroom floor with me. The Rowan i

know wouldn’t have cared at all, let alone wipe away my tears.

“Yeah” he answers

We stay in silence after that. I soon start feeling drowsy. I don’t know when I slept or how he carried me to my bed. The last thing I felt before falling into deep sleep, was his lips on my

forehead.

When I wake up, it’s midafternoon the next day. I find breakfast on my side table. Which was

probably cold.

I get out of bed and make an appointment with my gynecologist. I take a quick shower then get

dressed. I still felt tired and worn out.

I wasn’t hungry so I ignore the food. I didn’t know who brought it, but my guess is that it was

Rowan.

Getting into my car, I fire it up and drive as slowly as I can. Trying to delay getting to the doctor’s office. I get there after almost an hour since I left. Taking a deep breath, I get out and walk towards

the private clinic.

There are women inside with their husbands. It takes me back to when I was pregnant with Noah.

Rowan never accompanied me to any of my appointments. I was even shocked that he insisted to

be with me in the room when I was giving birth, given he showed little care for me and the baby I

was expecting.

Pushing those away, I give the secretary my details and take a seat, while I wait for my name to be

called.

“Ava Sharp” I’m finally called after about forty five minutes.

I stand up and walk to Dr. Raven’s office.

“Good to see you, Ava. So what can I do for you this fine afternoon?” she asks as she takes a seat.

“I was hoping to get an ultrasound. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and they were positive, but I

just wanted a confirmation”

I wring my hands. Completely nervous and nearing a heart attack.

“That can be arranged Why don’t you lay on the bed, while I set up things?” she asks kindly and I

nod

1 get up on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I tried calming my beating heart, but it was of no use.

“Please pull up your top”

I do as she says, my hands shaking. She squirts the gel on my stomach and begins moving the

wand around.

“You’re definitely pregnant. Around three months along.” she says happily just as the sound of a

steady beating heart fills the room, as

I blink back the tears and grip the hem of my top. She sounded happy as she delivered the news,

but I wasn’t.

Everything after that is a blur. She cleans me up and gives me instructions. Talking about diets

and vitamins. I leave her office and pass by her secretary’s desk. She gives me a date for my next

appointment and prints for me the images of the baby.

After everything is done, I leave like the hell hounds of hell were after me.

I was numb as I drove. I had held hope. Hope that the tests were false. It’s know to happen that

they aren’t accurate. I was hoping that it will be the same for my case.

Instead here I am. Driving, with the real proof that I was expecting Ethan’s baby laying in the

backseat.

I drive for a while not sure where I am, until I finally park. I get out and robotically walk towards

the cliff.

How can I be happy about this baby? I didn’t want him or her. I didn’t want a baby conceived out of

deceit and lies. A baby with the same man that tried his hardest to end my life.

How can I look at him or her and not feel any type of resentment? I wanted to forget my time with

Ethan. This baby will make sure I don’t. He or she will be a reminder of how his or her father

betrayed me.

All I had to do was to take a step forward. Just one step and everything will end. There won’t be

any more pain, or sadness or heartache. I would be free of the constant darkness that was

drowning me.

I hear a cat in the distance, but I don’t turn. I still don’t turn when a door slams

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Ava?” Rowan’s voice growls from behind me.

I don’t tur“, even as the wind picks up I feel its force. As if it was also urging me to make that one

step

*Ava, please. Step away from the cliff. Come to me” I feel his presence as he slowly approaches

me, but I don’t step back.

I was so tired. Tired of crying. Tired of hurting. Tired of the constant fucking pain. I was so fucking tired of fighting. The pain was constant. Always there. Slowly killing me. Reducing me to

someone I didn’t want to see.

“I don’t think I can do this, Rowan. I just want it all to stop. I want to know what peace is because I haven’t had it since I was born. I just don’t have it in me to keep fighting anymore” I cry, feeling

worn out.

“Killing yourself isn’t the answer” he says, just as he grabs me and pulls me back.

I had been so distracted that I didn’t notice how close he had gotten.

“Let go of me! Let me go right now. Let me end this once and for all” I scream, thrashing in his

hands. Needing him to let me go.

“Snap out of it Ava!” he shouts back at me. Refusing to let go. “Think about Noah, are you going to

leave him motherless? Are you going to leave him with the pain of losing his beloved mother at such a young age? What about you’re unborn child, are you so fucking selfish and cruel that you

would kill an innocent baby? Your own flesh and blood” he shakes me, his face hardening with

each word he says.

At the mention of Noah’s name. I stop fighting him.

“Rowan…”

“No! I don’t care what you think right now or if you’ll even hate me later, but I’m booking you an

appointment with a therapist. You’re going to work on your issues and you’re going to be the best

goddamn mother to your two children and you will love them both unconditionally despite who

their father is or so help me God, Ava, I will…” he doesn’t finish his sentence but I get what he’s

saying.

He was breathing hard, grey storms raging in his eyes. His hands tightening around me as if he

I sink in his arms. The fight completely leaving me He picks me up bridal style, holding me close

as I feel his erratic beating heart.

His colyne washes over me and I calm down.

“How did you find me?” I ask as he walks us to his car. @

“I will always find you, Ava” he replies firmly. “Always”

“Thank you, for pulling me back today” I tell him as I sink deeper into his warmth, feeling ashamed that I contemplated taking my life and that of my baby.

His reply is a soft kiss to my cheek then my temple.

I sigh. Rowan was right. Noah didn’t deserve to lose his mom and my unborn child didn’t deserve to lose his or her life at my hands. They deserve to live fully and have a mom that loved them so

much

I was going to make a couple of changes. One of them being pushing my bitterness and anger aside and facing Ethan. He needed to know that he was going to be a father. Which means I have

to make a trip to prison.