Unloved: A Novel (The Undone)

“I tried.”

Sadie huffs into the phone. “Ro, please, please, please, don’t let him do this to you.”

“He’s not.” I shake my head, doodling a bit as I try to distract myself. “It’s my fault. I just… I don’t know what he wants.”

“It’s not your fault,” Sadie says. There’s a slam in the background. Then I can hear the little giggles and squeals in the back that let me know she’s picked up the boys from school, and I feel guilty using her any more than this. She’s already stretched too thin.

“I know.” I clear my throat a little before calling brightly, “Hey, Oliver. Hey, Liam.”

Liam’s screech drowns out Oliver’s quiet but steady greeting. I tell Sadie I’ll see her later, tomorrow if things go well, and she tells me she’s staying with the boys tonight.

The coffee shop within the library is closing, so it’s quiet and darker in our hidden corner. I moved our usual spot to here this week—to avoid both the girls desperate to distract Freddy and Tyler, who is also tutoring somewhere in this building.

Tyler is supposed to come over tonight, and I’ve been tearing myself apart trying to figure out how to fix things—or if I even want to.

My stomach flips, because it’s a reach toward the unknown. I know Tyler—I know what to expect from him in anger, in love, in the bedroom… everything. I know it isn’t the best relationship, but the loss of it feels like jumping from a plane with no parachute. There’s safety in knowing; there’s comfort here.

But if I stay, things have to be better than they are. I have to fix it.

I need to know how to make things good between us again. Namely, sexually.

Because we haven’t had sex since last semester.

My relationship with sex is complicated, especially with Tyler. I’m not a virgin, but I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve had sex in our nearly two-year relationship. My curiosity and innocence were endearing to Tyler at first, like most of me, until it—I—became an annoying nuisance.

“Ro.”

He likes the Ivy league girl, though.

The thought comes unbidden, and I nearly flinch, because it haunts me silently all the time. What is it about her that’s better than me? More deserving? Maybe she’s more refined when it comes to the bedroom.

“Ro?”

I wanted to be spontaneous, to try new things—hence my forgotten Sexy College Bucket List—but I’ve had enough embarrassment in trying to last me a lifetime.

I’ve tried to work around Tyler’s rules and wants. Sex with him is careful, controlled, and only in one position. Tyler is always silent, which does near constant damage to my self-confidence. And sometimes I’m so loud he tells me to tone it down. He doesn’t like to go down on me; says he doesn’t enjoy it. But he won’t let me do it either.

It’s degrading. I can hear his voice in my head, my gut churning because his reprimand is somehow more degrading than being on my knees, having his dick in my mouth. You shouldn’t even want that, Ro.

“Rosalie.”

The sound of my full name sliding off Freddy’s tongue like a song makes me startle, cheeks heating as I realize how long he’s been trying to get my attention. Two palms playfully smack down on the table across from me as Freddy slides into the booth with a beaming smile.

“Sorry.” I tuck my falling curls behind my ear, tempted to toss them all up off my neck because my flustered thinking and Freddy’s intense gaze are making me sweat. “I’ve been distracted, I’m so sorry.”

“You’re fine, Ro, take a breath.” He relaxes in his seat, which looks ridiculous because he’s so large, muscular. “Besides, I’m kinda enjoying not being the one who is lost in their own head.”

I smile, mostly because he does tend to get lost in his own head, and nod. He slides the papers I’d been grading to the other side of the wood table between us.

“What’s got your head all spinny?”

There’s part of me that’s tempted to talk to him about it, to ask… but I can’t get the words out.

“Stupid stuff,” I huff.

Freddy presses his forearms to the table, tapping his fingers swiftly as he looks up at me, turning his head nearly into the table to catch my downturned eyes.

“C’mon, Rosalie,” he says. “I like stupid stuff.”

I roll my eyes, but my expression quickly changes to a pleased smile, because as usual when I’m around him, I feel more at ease.

“Okay.” I tuck my hair back again, nervous energy crawling up my spine, making me jittery in my seat as I lean forward. “Let’s say, hypothetically, that you were dating a girl for a few years.”

He crosses his arms. “All right. Hypothetically, am I in love with this girl?”

“Um, I think so?”

“You think so? Sounds like something you should be certain about.”

I shake my head. “Okay, so, hypothetically, you’re dating this girl for a few years. And maybe things are a little, um, off between you.”

“Off?” His eyebrows raise and lips purse. “How?”

“Like…” I lean forward again, arguably too close to him before admitting quietly. “Sexually.”noveldrama

His eyes blow wide before he turns back to that same neutral expression. Still, there’s a light color to his cheeks before he huffs lightly. “What’s the question?”

“So, hypothetically—”

He raises his hands. “Of course, hypothetically.”

“What is a way she could, like, seduce you?”

“Seduce me?” The usual, ridiculously pretty smile reappears on his lips as he sinks low in his seat and gives me wide, sparkling green eyes.

“Yeah, I mean… You’re good at sex, right?”

The grin on his face only grows. “Is my tutor asking me for sex tips?”

Jesus. I throw my head into my hands and groan. Way to be a total cliché. Teasing Sadie about her hockey player while you play tutor to an athlete who needs help and instead talk about sex.

“God, I’m sorry, Freddy. I shouldn’t have said a word—this is so inappropriate. Please, please, forgive me.” And please, never mention it again.

“It’s fine—”

“No. No, it’s not fine! It’s objectifying you! I’m so sorry.”

He laughs, the sound bright and soothing.

“You’re fine, Ro, honestly. Relax.” He leans forward, resting on his forearms again as he talks softly to me. “I’m good at sex,” he says, and I can feel how hot my skin gets almost immediately. “Great, actually.”

Even without the reputation he wears like a nice piece of clothing, he looks like he would be.

Matt Fredderic might as well be dripping sex. It’s almost too easy to imagine him on top of some girl, his tight, thick muscles bending and stretching as he thrusts slow and hard, his hands rough in the best way. Would he use his callused palm to grip her throat? I imagine he’s not selfish, but obsessed with pulling pleasure from his partner’s body with precision and skill.

With that same panty-melting smirk that makes my stomach swoop every time I see it, even if it isn’t directed toward me.

“So, if a girl wanted to—” My throat closes, and I drop my voice even lower. “Go down on you, what would make you want that?” The words start pouring from me too fast, tumbling from my mouth as I lose control. “Like, a striptease? Or dirty talk? Maybe some nice lingerie or—”

Freddy’s face goes bright red as I continue until he finally lays his big palm across my mouth, effectively covering my face up to my eyes.

“Jesus, Ro.”

He drops his hand.

“What?” I ask, fanning my neck because it’s so hot I’m sure I’m sweating. The lump in my throat is back, and I’m a little worried if I don’t get it together I’ll cry tears of pure embarrassment. “I-I just want to know if I’m doing it right. I want it to be perfect.”

His expression softens at the aching vulnerability in my voice, his fingers lightly tracing the skin of my arm laid flat on the table between us.

“Hey, it’s all right. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He takes a deep settling breath, and I close my eyes for a moment, focusing on the swirling pattern of his fingertips on me.

“If you were my girlfriend, Rosalie,” he says, his voice deep and rough. My full name is like warm honey dripping from his lips. “You wouldn’t have to do anything to convince me. Just a fucking smile and I’d be a goner, okay?”

Suddenly his voice loses its huskiness, and the smiling happy face is back.

“But I’m the school slut, right?” he says with a shrug, relinquishing his touch and slumping back lazily against the booth. “So maybe ask someone smart, like Bennett or Rhys.”

“Okay,” I say. “Do you have their numbers?”

His eyes go wide, body shooting upright. “Do not ask them anything.”

“But you just said—”

He looks mildly frantic. “Forget what I said,” he growls, and rubs his hands over his face. “My brain hurts. I don’t know what I’m saying. Just… just tell him you want him. Kiss him and tell him exactly what you want him to do to you, okay?”

“Okay.” I nod, but I’m already resigned because I’ve tried that.

“I think we should be done for tonight. I’ve got somewhere to be,” Freddy says, standing quickly.

My stomach drops. I try to say thank you or apologize, but he’s gone too fast, nearly sprinting out of the library like he can’t escape fast enough.